Dark as Night

 

Déjà vu.  I know this feeling.  I’ve been here before.  What am I doing back at this place, Lord?  Did I not learn it the first time?

It was dark.  Too dark to talk about.  No one could see it.  It was in my head.  I would hide it.  But it had a ravenous appetite.  It ate at my joy.  It ate at my peace.  It ate at my happiness and relationships.  So then I decided I had to be rid of it.  Thank goodness it was in my mind.  I had a strong mind.  I could handle my mind.  Or so I thought.   And tried.   And struggled.  For about 12 years.  I was determined, but, unsuccessful.  And it was still dark. 

Then, at just the right time- God.  He shows up not too early, but never late.  He shows up when He knows we’re ready to listen.  He started talking.  And I started listening.  And I decided I better start talking about my silent darkness.  Only to find, to my dismay, it appeared darker than it had looked inside.  It was worse than I had thought.  It looked as though the darkness would indeed consume me until a friend, at just the right time, led me to where I needed to go with my darkness.  And I fell flat on my face under the weight of it all at the foot of the cross.  And I felt God smile because He’d been calling and waiting for so long.  So patient.  And He took the darkness from me.  And I felt Him pick me up to live again as if for the very first time.  And I learned to trust and love Him like never before.   And I looked back and said it was worth it.  The sweetness of it all would not have been there without the struggle.

Then darkness arrived again.  Its name was cancer.  At times it was very dark.  But I had learned trust.  And the darkness, though very dark, never consumed me.  And I saw God leading and guiding and growing and touching all along the way.  I could see His hand despite the outcome as it appeared here in this life.  I could see eternal value in the way hearts were changing.  And it was dark- but oh so bright.

But now, God, where are You?  I’ve been calling to You.  What is the purpose of this pain?  Where is the glory that is coming to Your name by my going through this?  Why can’t we carry on, You and I?  Why must we be stuck in this place? Will it go on forever?  I don’t feel You now.   It’s dark here and I’m crying out.   Are You listening?

My soul knows the answers to those questions.  Because God has provided in my past, I can trust beyond the shadow of a doubt that He will provide in my future.  But I have learned through the school of hard knocks that my mind is, in reality, quite weak.  My head doesn’t always remember the answers and sometimes I require remedial courses in trust.  I learned it the first time.  I learned it as best I could at the time.  And now I’m learning it in a whole new way.  A broader and deeper way.  But yet, learning it again, just the same.  And I know I am actually moving forward, but due to the darkness I can not always perceive the motion.  And I know the next bright light I see will be brighter than the one before.  For after the night, comes the morning.

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