Nuggets

If a person can’t be part of the solution, they shouldn’t be part of the discussion.

This one has sure buttoned down my hatch.  It is the essence of a conversation I had a few months ago with a friend. Sometimes part of the “solution” is venting. But if you find that “venting” extends to more than a very small number of close confidences, you’re probably participating in a disdained but popular activity called “gossiping”.
 

You are wasting your time trying to explain your reasons to someone who has already decided they don’t like your actions.

And why do we feel obliged to explain ourselves so often anyway? Are we needing the other person’s approval? Are we not confident in our actions? Is the other person’s approval of more value to us than being true to ourselves? Are we defending ourselves needlessly? Are we gossiping again?  Great advice handed to me by a wise friend.
 

Feelings are not “good” or “bad”. But how you react to your feelings may be good or bad.

Maybe you didn’t grow up thinking that any feelings were “bad”. I did. Thinking they were “bad” then produced guilt, because, being human and all… I inevitably felt the feelings. It’s been quite freeing to realize feelings are not good nor bad. They just ARE. And once I recognize them, I am then free to decide what to do with them. Amazingly elementary – but very powerful.  I would have to attribute this nugget to my grief counselor.
 

We make the best decisions we can at the time we have to make them with the tools, information and life-skills we have.

Again, the grief counselor at work here. I came across a very similar idea but worded differently in To Kill a Mockingbird. That statement is slathered in grace. It can be applied to ourselves or to those around us. It is helpful in retrospect or “live”.
 

Rarely do we intend to hurt someone else with our actions – but we all have or eventually will.

That’s my own assumption. It goes hand-in-hand with the prior statement. I think hurtful people are doing the best they can. And at the times I’ve been hurtful, I was doing the best I could. That doesn’t mean hurtful behavior is excused, but it does mean we should be more willing to forgive ourselves and others.
 

Forgiveness and acceptance of mistreatment are not equivalent.

There are some very helpful books on what forgiveness is and how to reach that stage by Dr. Luskin.  It is a process that is most healing for the person doing the forgiving. The person who was forgiven doesn’t even need to ask for it, know about it, or accept the forgiveness.  There are also excellent boundary books written by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you approve of the hurtful action nor that you will allow it again. The tricky part is that there was quite possibly something about you that kept you from using proper boundaries in time to avoid the injury in the first place. Which leads me to the next nugget…
 

There are always two sides to a pancake no matter how thin it gets.

Anyone who thinks they haven’t contributed to a disagreement they were a part of doesn’t know themselves. For myself, I’ve found it’s generally a problem with a log in my eye that makes it hard for me to see myself. I first heard it phrased in regards to a pancake from Pastor Rich.
 

We’re all messing up our kids.

Gleaned from one of my friends. Unfortunately even though we recognize what we wish could have been different in our own upbringing, we are most certainly creating something that is less than ideal for our kids. We can learn new behaviors through facing our own fears and reprogramming. But it is the process of a lifetime. We won’t be “done” with our own learning before we die, so we won’t have it all together in time to raise our kids even as ideally as we possibly could- which would still be short of perfect. In spite of this dismal thought, I believe we can empower our kids to find the answers. We can be a living example of courage, compassion and connection – which, according to Brene Brown, are the keys to wholehearted living.
 

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. … Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection. Get the book. Or watch a short video clip here.

Advertisements
Previous Post
Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: